VANESSA

Dear Best Friend who lives far, far away.

I can't believe that your oldest child (my God daughter) is 8 years old now. You gave her the middle name Moon and she's a lot like you were as a kid, before life got weird anyway.

You moved away for a guy and I thought you were nuts. It was so romantic. You were 18. You've been married for how long now? Seems like forever. But we knew each other first. We wreaked some havoc together.

We made up Ninja Turtle names for each other before the cartoon came out and made the Turtles trendy. Samicelli and Fellacini. We used to pretend to be ninjas at night in Crut's backyard and the boys didn't quite know what to do with us. Like the weather really, unpredictable we were. Just get ideas into our heads and off we went.

We were 18, locked out of your house in the pissing rain at 3:30 am. We peed outside and made up a song about it to the tune of "You See Me Crying." The first time I slept over we crashed on the hide-a-bed in the basement. You apologized for turning your back on me whilst going to sleep because you could only sleep on your left side. I thought that was so nice. Your Mom asked me what I wanted for breakfast the next day and I thought "Is this what Family does?" I still can't believe your Mom made me breakfast that day.

I sat at your kitchen table in amazement. Wow. You had sisters. A family of strong, and wild women. Tall and fiercely individual. You women sure taught me a lot.

You were the first girl I ever trusted. We were in Tim Horton's on Trunk Road, drinking our hot-choco-con-coffee-coctions and we figured out exactly why we were so close, so quickly. Parallel lives. That moment catapulted both our lives in completely new directions, and neither of us felt so alone anymore.

It was years ago that we realized we'd ruined each other for other friendships. How disappointing it was to see how high maintenance everyone else seemed to be. Maybe it was our independence that bonded us so quickly and permanently. Even though you live so far away and attend a proper church while I live in the Big, Stinky City talking about Universal Life Force Energy. Even though I've had (as far as I can remember) seven boyfriends and a gazillion flirtations since you met Kev.

Even though we are far, far, away from each other - we are still so close.

The night you gave birth to Savannah you called me at Ted's Collision where I was managing bar. I cried in front of the regulars and bought everyone a round. Because I was happy for you. I was so lonely then. I was so honoured and relieved by your "I just pushed a baby out, I think I'll just hop on the horn and yell over the noise of a crowded bar" phonecall.

The night of my First Concussion. The night a flowerpot fell on my head. You just felt you needed to call me two minutes after I'd gotten back from the hospital. "Girlfriend, I was all thinking something crazy happened to you." I cried with surprise, but I guess it wasn't too weird considering it was you.

All of the really sad times in my life, you were there. You were the only one who could make it better.

Stonewall, Manitoba is nowhere near Toronto. Some days I get a little weepy because I really want to just sit on the back porch with you and drink tea. I want to go to Value Village with you again and get into trouble. I can't believe we don't live down the street from each other. I have days of literal pining. I wish we could go sit on the bridge that says "THIS IS INDIAN LAND" and watch the sun come up.

Now we both have other women in our lives who we love and trust. It took a long time. Not everyone can be your best friend. Not everyone just knows exactly what's gong on with you without words. None of these people know how different things (how different I would be) would be if we did live close to each other. We try to imagine it. It makes us kinda sad, so we make up whacked scenarios. That's fun.

You've always loved me just as I am, that's the reason I was finally able to as well.

Love you
XOXO, Samicelli
K'Bye.

NO PRIDE TODAY


We missed the Pride Parade.
That's a drag. I'm betting the party downtown is something else.

Happy Pride weekend.
Free to be you and me....
(Can you tell I was born in 1970?)
I hope you're all proud - no matter what your orientation.

Friday Night

We hosted an impromptu gathering for a few friends. A gazillion little candles transformed our teeny skanky Toronto backyard into pixieland. I made pasta that was so good that I'm still surprised. Perhaps it was the massive heap of ingredients (Farfalle, chicken, sun dried tomatoes, capers, roasted red peppers, sauteed mushrooms, roasted garlic and spinach) that made it so tasty. Other feast items included chocolate, fruit, sage derby, brie, salsa, mango & bean salad, brushcetta. Yes, and beer, vodka, vodka, vodka.

Gail and I nearly perfected the Ribena/lime/stoli blend martini. We got pretty close, but we're going to have to keep working at our mixology.

CAMELTOELEANDER
(I can't believe I just wrote that...)

You should see White Oleander if only for Robin Wright Penn's wardrobe. Fuschia stirrup pants aside, Wright Penn always makes me think she is a person, not an actress doing a job. The woman who became famous as Princess Buttercup continues to push boundaries, and can never be simply a pretty girl. There's no such thing anyway.

BTW - It was good to see Patrick Fugit again.

MOTHS ARE SADISTS TOO

I generally rufuse to kill insects unless I am being stung or bitten. Killing or maiming depends upon whether it happens out of a feral reflexive reaction or mutilation as a by-product of extraction. Having said that, I was just sitting on our back porch enjoying the rain when a moth flew down the back of my skirt which was hanging open because it's too big and I was bending over (what a nice, long sentance). It tickled like the dickens. I didn't want to move, thinking I may injure the little powdery winged thing. I am verrrrry ticklish. I sat there feeling the tickle trying not to move or pee my pants. It left a full forty seconds later. I know, I counted.

And you wonder why I call myself freakgirl?

LUDDITE MENNONITE
Sung like " I Am Iron Man"

I need to work on the design of this blog.
It's like I'm some kind of blogging mennonite.

I see that the mennonites are actually much more advanced.

Peeve

Lazy Questions.

HULK O'BURNIN' LOVE

The Hulk is an INCREDIBLE force of 'nature.' The only thing that calms him down is...love, sweet love. You knew this already, so I won't apologize for not adding a spoiler. I give no plot details away, so if you haven't seen it, you're pretty safe to continue reading.

Love can calm the savage beast. That's a hokey concept isn't it? It's fairly true to my own nature. You get more flies with honey. The Hulk gets tougher with anger. The Hulk gets calmer with love. Jennifer Connelly gets thinner with every movie she does (perhaps it's her own super power).

I love the X-Men movies because I read all of the comics. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't relate, or know how to relate to the characters. The X-Men movies have been flashy, slick and great looking Action Flicks.

Ang Lee created a film. The Hulk, a comic book based on a huge, feral, mountain-moving force was made into a movie which seems to be the most cerebral of the now popular genre based movies.

NOTE: I do not include my favourite Unbreakable, here as it was a comic book styled film which was not modeled after a specific comic book. No one grew up reading about the adventures of the dude who couldn't sneeze without fracturing all the bones in his face and chest.

Eric Bana as Bruce Banner was interesting, especially after finding out that he's a famous comedian and actor in his native country, Australia. He was not getting laughs as an emotionally closed, nerdy scientist who wears his bike helmet indoors and just happens to turn into The Incredible Hulk. His acting was subtle seeming. Now that I know he's Australian I'm wondering if I remember him overprununciating at all....

Nick Nolte as the Crazy Father was such a great casting decision, thank you to whoever made it (I know that you were hoping to please me personally). Nolte seems to have a bad rep. Whatever. The dude can act. It was a relief to see him in something other than a bad romantic comedy or a heart wrenching drama( Rent Afterglow). Insane ranting ex-con scientist with a God complex just fits him so well.

Pretty Jenny C did a great job with a boring stereotyped role: Scientist Girlfriend and Overbearing Daddy's Little Girl all rolled into one. It was the one thing which bugged me about the movie. I had to remember that the movie is based on a comic book not written in 2003 or even 1983. I could name many an actress who would have been completely annoying in that role, so I congratulate Connelly for doing a good job with what she had. As always, her intelligence is never far from the surface. What a cool chick, have some pie.

The Hulk movie did not rely solely on it's action scenes to carry audience attention. I appreciated that. I loved the camera work, lighting, recurring themes and mood of the film. Lee worked a lot of the natural world into this film, perhaps to link Bruce and Hulk to one another and to illustrate the strength of nature. Or maybe just because he's kooky, I don't rightly know.

"Hulk angry, Hulk smash!" still happened, in a big, big way. The action scenes were epic. The Hulk can smash things up real good.

I forgot how tough The Hulk is. I guess that's why he's so incredible.

LAIR!

I rented About Schmidt on the 10th and placed it in the night deposit slot the next day. Paco went to the video store last week and they charged a six day late fee on About Schmidt. I was surprised, since I'd brought it back the next day.

"The place is at the end of our street! I'm unemployed. I think I can get a movie back in time."

I went to the store and explained the situation hoping for a mutual compromise. Even if they wouldn't refund the money, I was hoping to at least find out what may have happened. We are regular customers. We are polite. We do our dry cleaning there as well. We even gave him an old tv of ours (which he fixed and is still trying to sell for a ridiculous amount of money a year later). I thought they'd be cool about the situation. There's a Blockbuster right up the street that we rarely go to, we'd rather spend our money at a Ma & Pop type store.

The guy called me a LIAR. Totally bold-faced and barking madly. I had been very nice. Well, since English is not this man's first (or maybe second or third) language, I told him that calling someone a liar is a very strong statement. He called me a liar again.

Good business sense.

I'm saying nice stuff: We want to spend our money here. Blockbuster is right up the street, but we prefer to spend our money here.

He kept calling me a liar. Becoming increasingly childish he started wagging his finger at me and cutting me off, calling me a liar over and over again. I was confused. I was almost hurt, but it was also very, very funny. I realized there was no adult way to solve this.

"Well, you're an ass-hole."

Paco went over to get his dry cleaning. He told the dude we wouldn't be coming to the store again.

"Yeah, your girlfriend is a LAIR."

Favourite Snack

Tortilla chips with salsa of any kind, especially Salsa Verde ( Tomatillo Salsa).

It's soooo goooood.

Is Anyone Surprised?



You are the Dead Parrot Sketch. Very funny, a bit
dark and definitely a classic.


Which Monty Python's Flying Circus Sketch are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

STARS FOR SARS

Toronto rocked out on Saturday for several consecutive hours. The Skydome hosted Swollen Members, Sum 41, Avril Lavigne, Our Lady Peace, The Barenaked Ladies and The Tragically Hip. The Air Canada Centre hosted Glenn Lewis, Remy Shand, Jann Arden, Diana Krall and Sara McLaughlan.

It was bizarre to walk into a concert at 4:00 in the afternoon and be late already. We missed the first two acts, which was a bummer - yet there was still about six more hours of music to go.

Arrived at The Skydome just in time to catch Sum 41. Like Avril Lavinge, they seemed too cute to perform so impressively. There's nothing wrong with being cute (though if I was younger I'm sure I'd see that point differently). Sum 41 were tight, fun, and crowd friendly. Cool.

Remy Shand is a good guy. He bobs his head in a Stevie Wonder kinda way when he plays. His performance was groovy, a lot of jazzy jamming. The Skydome crowd all departed for beer at this point.

Avril was tiny. She sounded a ton better live than I had anticipated. She kinda came out, did her bit, and split. All the little kids sitting behind us were positively bummed. There was no "Hello Toronto, It's great to be here, You Rock!" going on with The Tiny One. I was still impressed. There were a huge amount of wee girls in fatigues and neck ties hanging out and being fifteen.

Jann Arden is friggin funny. I would go see her again just to hear her quips. Her music is (oddly enough) heart wrenching, she sings with much emotion.

Our Lady Peace came out to huge applause. I was like....huh? Which guys are these guys? Are these the "Aye EEE Aye EEE Aye" Guys? The earplugs came out and dealt nicely with the distortion and cacophony loudness and fine musicianship will sometimes bring. They sounded pretty good. The singer talked positively to the audience a little, which is always great PR.

Diana Krall. My Dad wants to marry her. She played her piano in such a way that those who've only seen her in car commercials now know without a doubt that's she's a serious musician - and a sultry babe with a brain. It must have been a mix-up that she followed OLP in performance, I felt bad for her. Everyone was Rockin' Out and then up comes this jazz babe whose first song consists of about fifteen minutes of jazz-themed jamming. The Skydome crowd went searching for more beer.

The Barenaked Ladies stole the show. Hands down. They spoke to Toronto. They made SARS jokes. They did a SARS-Chicken-Dance-Polka forcryin'outloud! They talked about the 30, 000 jobs lost in the entertainment industry (my job could thrown in with those lay offs too). They spoke of Food Banks and helping others out. They also do a great job live. They entertained us. They actually prepared special stuff for this show, making the audience feel important and giving the event the attention it needed. I've always been a begrudged Ladies fan. I mean, they're not The Pixies. I mean, you know... They're so damn Happy sounding. At one point I actually was getting tears in my eyes. Disgusting. Yet, the boys reminded the audience that the concert was about more than cheap live music. I admit it...I Love The Barenaked Ladies and I don't care who knows it.

Sarah McLaughlan followed The Ladies. She was as gracious and and intelligent as always. Too bad about the Skydome fans who started to Boo and chant "Hip, Hip, Hip, Hip." This is what happens when too many Yeti's and too much beer come together and are forced too wait their turn to be obnoxious. Being the second to last act afforded Sarah more time on stage than the previous acts. She was mellow and groovy. She played beautifully a lot of the tunes which have made her such a respectable female figure. I've always called her music "faeries chained to trees" music. This means I like it a lot but it reminds me of how shallow the rest of our world is.

"Hip, Hip, Hip" What was the matter with those people? Pay $37.50 for I don't know how many hours of live music and they have to chant for The Hip while other musicians perform? A sad and not surprising reminder of how spoiled we are. Bad Manners. Bad Karma.

The Hip finally made it onstage to end the show. Downie mumbled something into the mic. I think it was, "It's great to be back in Montreal." The band went into their schtick. I respect The Hip. They play hockey, they aren't sell-outs, they seem to care about the planet. The intelligence of The Hip's music is lost on some of their fans it seems.

It may very well be that the "Concert for Toronto" theme didn't mean much to Gord. Instead of smart-ass quipping about Montreal (a city I love - don't get me wrong) he could have at least said "Yo." The Hip are involved with deeper things like landmines and such. Absolutely more important, I agree. No problem. Those cats seem to be responsible celebrities, as well as being down-to-earth folks.

Downie is a mumbler when he speaks onstage anyway, I'm sure we wouldn't have understood a damn word he said even if he had chatted.

The concert was very cool.

On that note: Where does the money from this show go? My 37.50 Canadian? The NINE DOLLARS AND THIRTY CENTS it cost me for a 20 Oz beer? Is Skydome donating part of it's profits?

I'm unemployed, fine. I am Canadian, educated, English is my first language, and I'm white (like most of the folks who will read this). Therefore I can hang out until I find the right job. I won't starve. I don't have to go without. I have resources.

We can pat ourselves on the back for attending the show, but it wasn't ending war, ignorance and hatred or anything. We weren't Feeding the World or Saving the Environment. This part of the continent is frighteningly lucky, downright spoiled. It is easy for us to help one another out, we have so much to share. It isn't a leap in logic to know that those who truly suffer from the recent layoffs in Toronto are those folks who are newer to our country. The people that actually need help don't have the networks, skills or eligibility that most of the rest of us in Canada can rely on.

So come on lucky little buggers, help folks that actually need it. The folks who work the shitty jobs that you or I don't have to take. Maybe call a Food Bank. Maybe hire a few part timers or something. I dunno... Volunteer some time, buy a friggin T Shirt. Support your local products.

....Or you know...Don't.
12:38:57 PM

PERKS

Last night friend told me that when we met, he found me to be the perkiest person he'd ever come across. Thanks Mic.
It was three years ago. In the good old days, when I wasn't working regular cattle type hours.
It's easy to be perky when my job allows me to sleep in and get drunk often...?
It's easy to be perky when most of my dealings are on my terms...?
It's easy to be perky when you just fell in love with a kooky man?
It's easy to be perky when you fix your attitude dammit!

Tree Pose

I just sat under the pear tree in our back yard.
I sat there breathing. I realized I was in lotus position.
It felt really good.
I giggled, realizing fully how goofy I looked.
That felt good too.

I've been jogging a lot lately.
I know. It's not very dangerous, artsy or cool.
Right on.

Guac & Roll

I made some snacks for the boys tonight.
They were gaming & I was home.
Guacamole and brushcetta.
Did they order dinner, a proper meal?
No.
So I made them popcorn.

A formula that can be safely applied to most men: Snacks = Dinner

GO TEAM BOCCE

Some of us gals played bocce at the cottage on Saturday.
Us same girls who happened to french braid their hair for "old times sake" earlier on.

Goudey casually cruised by....
You look like the Varty Lake Synchronized Swimming Team.

We did.
I hope we swim better than we play bocce.

AIR MATRESS

How cool am I for passing out in our tent on the cold hard ground whilst my boyfriend inflated the air matress with a foot pump at three in the morning with an exhausted and desperate look in his eyes? I didn't need a matress. I didn't need to be warm. I just needed to pass out. I won the "Drunk Award." Really, I think it should have been "the loud, then drunk, then tired, then passed out award."

I was giving my boyfriend (Paco) the business something fierce over his purchase of an air matress for our tent.
"Yeahhhhhh, city boy...."
I was secretly thrilled.
I slept great on that little baby.
Drunk or no.
Sometimes it's good to date a city boy

I SMELL MAR-JU-ANA

Talking to Gail

On the phone
Planning our novels
Where to fit in the yoga?
"There's gotta be yoga"
Yeah, fuck the sex, drugs, n' rock n' roll
We want yoga, man.

Achoo

Post cottage headcold.
I'm cranky.
Still had a wicked weekend.
Achoo.

ANKLES

Seven mosquito bites
My first in years and years
I guess I've become tastier to critters
now that they want to share West Nile virus

Last Night at the Cottage Haiku

Porno mustache Bri
On his lawn I love to bowl
Let's play asshole

COTTAGE WEEKEND!

Delicious Bliss

I helped a friend of mine with an event last night. Please check out her site, and pass it on if you can. This woman is a dynamo! She's very good at what she does - and she's a great lady. As a matter of fact, she's horribly, fantastically, happily... lovely.

Our chef prepared a feast that utterly distracted me from my job of filling wine glasses and tidying. The man's got it going on.

After said event we went for a few martini's ( new taste -vodka, ribena, lime juice, yummmy).
I am hung over.
I am feasting on leftovers from last night's fete, which were generously given to me.
This food is being wasted on soaking up the alcohol sitting in my belly and giving me dragon breath.
Delicious Bliss.

Om Shanti

My friend Gail and I have decided to check out yoga studios in town over the next month. Our regular teacher is away in Spain right now, since she trains at Downward Dog, we thought we'd try it first.

It's crowded, it's hot, it's fantastic! There are many types of yoga, Downward Dog places it's focus upon ashtanga. This form of yoga has been deemed "power yoga." If that sounds intimidating, don't let that stop you. Everyone must feel their own way through yoga postures. I do what I can. I breathe. I listen to my body. I surprised myself last night. I moved deeply into postures which I normally feel my body just isn't designed for. Another thing to love about yoga, things move.

Gail and I were both very happy with Downward Dog. Our instructor was friendly and insightful. My hamstrings thank him. Warm in vibe and temperature, it just feels good there.

About Pater

I just watched About Schmidt. Solid. Well cast, well acted, well worth the 4.59 on rental. I love my Dad, I'm going to hook him up with a foster kid.

Jack Nicholson reminds me of my father. There's something about the roll of the voice, the attitude, the eyebrow set, and the gaze. Five Easy Pieces Jack or The Shining Jack? Neither. It's more like both my father and Nicholson own a grin that can say "fuck you" charmingly.

It was strange watching Nicholson as someone typically middle aged, someone angry and confused and searching. When was the last time we saw Nicholson vulnerable?

If you like Nicholson, try The Pledge, directed by Sean Penn. Nicholson was magnificent.

The Pledge is an incredibly moving film, About Schmidt was...cute.

You need fresh herbs

You do. It's summer. Plant some basil in a little pot in your window if you have to. Rosemary is easy, it can take it if you're a bad plant owner and forget to water it as often as you should. Chervil is little known in Canada but a grand culinary addition. Try it. It's like...cilantro and basil mixed, it's mellow. Fresh herbs can turn you're laziest dinner into a flavourful excursion.

Want to make plain old pasta and tomato sauce for dinner because you've had a long day and don't want to cope? Don't buy a jar of sauce. Buy some plum tomatoes. Saute onion in real butter with some decent olive oil. Add thinly sliced garlic, don't crush the garlic through a press. Be gentle with the heat. Burnt garlic is a terrible insult. Dice the plum tomatoes up, add them to the sauce after the onion becomes translucent. Bring the heat up. Get it simmering. Now you can let it reduce for awhile. You're bringing the water to boil for the pasta while you do this. Use lots of water. Not just enough to cover the noodles, that makes goo. A lot of water. Add some salt and a touch of olive oil. Don't overcook your pasta. Please. Remove the pasta from heat whist it is still a little firm. Now that your sauce has simmered, use a hand blender to bring the sauce to a nice consistency. If you don't have a hand blender, you should get one. They are a necessity in the kitchen. I got mine for about fifteen bucks. I think it's El Cheapo brand or something, but it works well.

Add your chiffonade of fresh out-of-the-garden (or windowsill) basil to your newly made sauce. Now, plate your gorgeous homemade dinner adding fresh parmesan to taste, maybe even a little fresh herb sprig for garnish.

Delicious. Simple. Goodness.

RUN

Paco and I took a spin around a track by my parents house in Dover this weekend.

6:30 pm was magic time it seemed. The sun was on it's way to setting, sending massive slashes of shade slowly across the track. The day was starting to cool down, a breeze seemed to fly up from just above ground level. It was a high school track, hurdles on the sidelines remniscent of steeplechasing. Moreover there was no one around besides Paco and an old lady with two little dogs. Singing " Why Don't we do it in the Road?" out loud (albeit raspily) helped me go that extra mile.

Yee haw. I can run.

SIDEBAR

When the Canadian flag was made red and white, were folks thinking about the red man and the white man united?

Of course not.

VISITING THE FOLKS

Spent some time in lovely Port Dover over the weekend.
It's a beautiful place.
My Mom and I walked from home down along the beach and up the main drag. It seems so right to have almost everything you need within reach - nature walks included. I'll be visiting often.

Dover is also home to big biker events. Friday the 13th of any month it may fall on is the date to hit Dover if you want to see some hot motorcycles - as well as the daring facial hair and body art that accompanies it.

Culture shock. Dover is so pretty and....white. I grew up in a pretty white place and have been living in Toronto for a long time now. A long enough time that if I see a sea of white-only faces, I'm suspicious. It was funny. I know that Canada is still a whitebread nation (especially in sleepy little towns far from the thriving metropolis), but I'm used to multi-grain.

RE: Dobbler Days
Tossing the coin as always...

Here's a note to clarify me stating that I'm not financially motivated.
This means that making money for a living isn't my main criteria on a job search (that's right Gucky).
As in: I don't need to make a lot of money.
Why? I'm focused on being happy in whatever I'm doing, if I happen to make some good coin at the same time, great.
If not...great. I like living frugally. It certainly ensures that I don't buy things as a placebo or...well...I'm not much of a "Consumer."

CATNAPS

I miss my cat sleeping beside me.
She has almost always slept at the end of my bed.
Inobtrusive, warm and groovy.

I ended up with a man who was so allergic to cats that he's been hospitalized for it.
HATED cats. Hated them.

He and I were talking about living together:
Paco: If I can't live with your cat...what would you do?
Me: I've known her for ten years...I've known you for how long?
Love works wonders.

Paco has one safe room in case of an allergic outbreak.
Harpo misses out on the quality hang time we used to have together.
I feel marginally guilty but not too bad.

I simply miss Po's chill out vibe schnoozing at the end of the bed.
We grab a nap together on the couch on occassion, but it's just not the same.

Dobbler Days

Folks are asking me what I want to do for a living right now. Which is great. It is very good to have friends. I don't know what to tell people. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not career driven at this point ( my last career -talent agent. I loved my actors and all, yet I'm not willing to live and breathe a career right now). I'm not financially motivated either.

I'd like to not have my mind completely numbed, which is an almost ridiculous request in this day and age. Most people feel the pressure to perform. Most feel they need to have what the television tells them that they need. I'd like to retain my pride.

"...considering what's waiting out there for me, I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. And I don't want to sell anything bought or processed or buy anything sold or processed or process anything sold, bought, or processed. Or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. As a career I don't want to do that." Lloyd Dobbler, Say Anything, written and directed by Cameron Crowe.

I'm sure I will find something amenable.
Until then, it's time to go for a nice walk and smell the daisies.

DOMINATION

Soy beer baked chicken breasts.
Steamed aparagus with chervil (fresh from the garden) butter, sauted bigass mushrooms.
And beer.

Now that's cookin'.

BONUS

So I leave my gym. It's 18 bucks month so I won't complain about it being the ghetto SARS gym because no one wipes down the machines. Then I cruise by a clothing store and look in casually. Hey look a cool dress. I'm going to try it on. Wow, it fits. I look GOOD. It's on sale. Woo hoo. No worries about trying to squeeze into that size six dress I was thinking I'd have to wear to Bri & Sherri's wedding. I'm 5'9" - what the hell was I doing wearing a size six anyway? Cool new dress, Bonus.

Look sunglasses. Hmmm. It's become a joke - how bad I look in sunglasses. I either look like a bug or an alien. Usually a buglike alien. Lo and behold I find two pairs that look cool on me. Not great, but cool. I'll take it. On sale. Bonus.

It's pissing rain. I get off the bus wondering if I should grab some beer at the ever handy beer store. It stops raining. Well then, beer it is.

" I'll have twelve Conner's Best Bitter please and forty dollars cashback. "
"May I see some ID please?"
"Sure...uumm, do I look depressed?"
"No, why?"
" I'm thirty three, thanks for carding me..."
Total Bonus.

Liz Phair binge

Paco heard a little of Polyester Bride.
"Who is that? That girls sucks. She can't sing."

A pretty voice is not her point.

FREAK

Sometimes when I get frustrated I imagine myself hang gliding.
The thought of running off of a cliff and gliding is oddly calming.

If you asked me to go hang gliding with you in real life
I'd tell you to go stuff it and ask you if you were nuts.

PERFECT DAY

A foray to the market on the corner brought treasure of early strawberries which may or may not taste like cardboard. Wilco is cranked way high in the den. A mix. "Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning..." I feel the tension draining out of me, still. The cool breeze of near summer does wonders with drawing the loose tendrils of anger away from me, sending them far far away. Always had a problem with injustice. I think I'm good, then more falls out. Laid off. Pissed at myself for staying for so long at place so contrary to my ethics. Loyalty. My clients. I've had the same conversation about two hundred times now. Tiring.

I will no longer smell the fumes from someone's liquid lunch thinly masked by too many Clorets at 11:30 am. I will no longer have to bite my tongue.

There's more gladness that resentment. I daydream and scribble my stories out in a haphazard way, buzzing on on the high of possibility. I have moments of brilliant laughter and inspiration. Moments of slightly stressed figuring. Lucky to be me. When was the last time I was able to drink my coffee in the yard with a book and a too fluffy cat laying at my feet on a weekday? When did I stop baking dangerously good cookies? When my job started sucking my fun time away?

Long walks and writing. Books and films. Music and laughter.
Slowly the layers peel away, leading back inward.

Why did I forget that every day is a perfect day?

Anniversaire

I met my boyo three years ago on a June 1st.
We were in a bar that had become more my living room.
A mutual friend introduced us.
I was wearing a t-shirt that said 120 mph, he had a Michael J.Fox sidepart.
We made a Stonehenge of Heineken empties & I was too drunk to ride my bike home at the end of the evening.
The friend who introduced had this comment: Your kids are going to need a lot of ritalin.

Here's to you Paco.
For keeping up and for slowin down, but mostly for ditching the side part.
Wink