A funny thing happened on the way to play
Dungeons and Dragons the other night.
Oh, yeah.
Dungeons and Dragons IS the
funny thing that happened.

No really, something else funny happened.
Wednesday night.
6:00 pm.
The corner of Bathurst & Queen.
A supremely LOADED man
was working his fly.
I was lucky enough to be waiting for
transit nearby.
Yelling, workin his fly,
yelling.....
"Baby, Marty....heeeeey Marty.
Look.. It's Jim & the Twins."

Yeah. He had his pants down far enough
to show everyone his outer vitals.

Give the guy a biscuit, it was friggin cold out.

I was trying not to laugh.
The guy was messed up.
It was very funny.
Funnier than you'd think.
I've heard the phrase
"Jim and the Twins " once before.

From the Rod of God
to the Throbbing Stinkhammer,
whatever you chose to call it,
the penis is something that
can be made utterly
ridiculous in many
situations.

I'm so glad that
I am a
woman.

I'm back at work

How can so much pile up
in one day?

Busy is good.

If I could just get
my co workers to
stop cranking
Madonna

Papa Don't Preach
SHUT UUUUUUP

Not only do I feel grumpy,
I feel vaguely miserable.
l lay on the couch
feverishly.
Watching one of my favourite movies
Robert Altman's Short Cuts,
not even enjoying it.

I Must be s (ill) y.

"I can get WET in the middle of the desert."

That was what I heard when I turned the telly.
I assumed it was an incontinence infomercial
and turned the silly machine off.

Teach me to go near that damn fool thing.

BURN YOUR TELEVISION
Wait! That makes watching movies difficult.
Whatever.....

I Have The Flu Again

I'm pretty grumpy at the moment,
so I'll try to keep it light.

Fuck our stupid human
stupidity
(yes, the use of the same word
twice IS a Clever Literary Device)

I'm stressed about missing work.
If I miss a day of work, a lot of folks suffer.
Why? Because I am a
Professional Martyr.

I am really grumpy right now.
And that is very cool.
I can't be grumpy at work.
I never get to be grumpy!
Perhaps I am sick just so that I
can experience grumpiness again.

Well. Now I feel better.
Smile...

Wait a second.
none of this smiley crap.....
I'm grumpy
dammit.

A friend and I have had discourse
recently on Cien Anos de Soledad,
known in English as 100 Years of Solitude.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Hee. Gracias Garcia.

With the recollection of reading the novel
over ten years ago comes a flood of emotion.

Marquez changed me.

It could very well be my favourite book.
Why haven't I reread it over these years?

This is the kind of book that takes you away into it.
Like a new lover.
You must be ready for it's
joy, romanticism, sadness, loss of innocence,
wonderment, sorrow, magic.

You must allow yourself to be
carried away.....

Otherwise you won't get it and you'll bloody
well read three pages over and over again,
finally proclaiming," I just can't get into it."

Whew

I've been busy
at work....
That's unusual

rark rark rark

This Just In

I have a smelly friend who has been
known to refer to himself as dufus.
He had freckles on his ears
and can supposedly read
in Spanish even.
Yeah, apparently he can fly planes too

(he's a little cuckoo)

Oh well, I suppose it's
better to light a candle than
curse the darkness

When did I realize I was God?
Well, I was praying and I
Suddenly realized
I was talking to myself.

- Peter O'Toole

Diablo is dead....
time for the expansion.

There are things
that we can do to
change...

Check it out

FREAKY PORNOPANTS

Do you find yourself wondering
who has porn dependancy issues
in this day and age of easy access?

The guy in the cubicle next door?
The woman who stands close on the
bus and looks like an overgrown girlguide?
Auntie Ruth?
Your boss???

Sometimes I see folks
and estimate in my head
how much porn
they partake of.

I don't do this all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if
somebody dances around
singing in front of the mirror
ritualistically,
or has a secret thing for
Ricky Martin (even though they
are supposed to be hip and intellectual
and only like people like Ralph Fiennes
and Viggo Mortensen),
or if they use separate knives for the
peanut butter and the jam though both
spreads will be gloriously mixed
all smeary and nasty good on the sandwich,
do they think that they'd be perfect if they
could just change one little thing
or do they think just being there on
the journey is good enough?
I often wonder about other people.

I see other people sometimes
and can tell they haven't been touched in ages.
I mean...a hug even.
It makes me sad.
I think about how they
go home and try to
download pamela anderson
naked...and I smile.

Rarh.

Well

I reckon it's all good
if you have the right attitude

As it Happens

I pissed off out of a bookstore today

I got upset at how expensive
books seem to be,
and how poorly made
most are these days.

How do you inspire folks
who don't read much
to become interested
if books are so expensive?

I got back to the office
And sorted through a tiny
wee mountain of mail

"I know of your
thirst for literature
I hope this helps feed the beast"

One of my clients sent
me a certificate...

The gift of a guiltless book purchase

WAHRRRRRRR!!!!!

Have I told you about
me & The Vines?

It's all about little angry
kittens with bulgy new
punk eyes.

It's horrid ...hellible dammit.
Independent Woman gets me every time
(It's the smoking kitty and the xylophone).
How about the White Stripes Kitties?

I'm still mainly a Viking Kitten .

Thank you Rather Good.
Thank you Joel Veitch for blowing up bunnies.

APPLE TREE

Did I tell you I got
pissed with my Dad
at Grossman's over the holidays?

We had some Beers.
He met some of my friends.
We met some really
freaky strangers as well..

We met the band.
We talked music.

We recited Jabberwocky

We argued about what a
seriously biased basketball coach he was.

We talked of the dearly departed.

We sang Chevalier's Mimi

We talked of the value of life.

I burped very loudly.

We laughed.

We ate our leftovers with our fingers
on the way home in a cab at 3:30 am.
Giggling.

My Dad's the kind of guy you can do that stuff with.

I have lived separately from my
father for more than one sixth of my life.
We have not lived in the same
city for more than thirteen years.

As a biologically grown up woman
I have never really had a
go-out-and-get-to-know-ya
experience with my father.

The fact that his daughter has
grown up to be the kind of girl
who will recite poetry and
deflty handle freaks in a bar
really blows his mind.

Hearing my Dad say that
he couldn't be prouder
blows my mind.

So I guess we're even

SHORT TERM MEMORY

I was spewing about my buddy who sells the
Toronto Street News
this December.

I hadn't seen him for awhile,
was getting wiggy with worry.
Turns out he had a cold.

I didn't see him around much after that
I chalked it up to the pre-christmas spazzing
we all get up to round that time.

In the New Year we caught up

He was hit by a car
a few weeks before Christmas.
He was crossing the street
to get to his local smoke shop
and buy his Proline tickets.

Some Rich Jackass in a nice car
was talking on his Cell Phone
Ran a stop sign and
Nailed my Buddy

My friend woke up in the Trauma Unit

Trauma Unit will
cut the clothes off your body
when you are admitted

They did not have to
cut my buddy's shoes off
He was hit hard enough that
his shoes left his feet

There's our hero in the Trauma Unit
He's got a pretty nasty concussion and no clothes.
He sells the Street News in order to get by.

This asshole on a cell phone
hit him and didn't even stop his car.
Did he notice?

Maybe he was in a hurry to
pick up his Dry-Cleaned everything.

In the New Year I
caught up with my friend.

He is feeling better
Slowly but surely
Short term memory is fried.

I learned this when he started to
repeat a story animatedly,
like he couldn't believe he didn't tell me
right away.
It was especially strange becasue it was the story
of the doctor's discovering his short term memory loss.

People have given him warm clothes.
People have given him help.
People have been looking out for him.

Good things happen.
But if I see you driving and talking on a
cell phone...

GEEKING out on the BALROG

"A balrog!" Gandalf rasped. "I might have known!"

Pippin hauled out his well-worn copy of the Monstrous Manual, while Merry peeked over his shoulder. "I don't see 'Balrog' listed in the index anywhere."

"Of course not, foolish Took," the high-level mage chided him. "The copyright to the 'Balrog' name is owned by the Tolkien estate. Gygax had to call it 'Balor' or a 'Type VI demon' when he put the MM together."

Merry quickly thumbed to the Demon section, only to recall that in 2nd Edition, "Demons" and "Devils" had been renamed Baatezu and Tanar'ri, although he never could remember which was which. He cursed the Fundamentalist Christian parents' groups who had threatened to boycott TSR for creating a "demonic" game, and which had forced that particularly stupid name-change upon them. Finally, though, he located "Balor" in the Tanar'ri section, grateful that they weren't among the discontinued demon listings like Orcus and Demogorgon.

"They're only 13 hit dice," Merry dutifully reported, "But they can cast dispel magic every round at 20th level, so watch yourself, Gandalf!"

"That also do 4d8 damage if they make a to-hit roll with their whip and drag you close to their bodies," Gimli noted. "I'm outta here!" He turned and ran at his full movement rate of 9 (12 if he wasn't wearing armor).

"Leave him to me," the mage intoned. "They're worth 46,000 experience points apiece, and if I kill him by myself, I get all of those points!" He strode toward the Balr-- er, Balor, and blocked the 10-foot-wide corridor leading out of the room. "You shall not pass!!"

Thanks for the giggles go to whomever wrote it.

ORIGINAL THREAD FOUND HERE
It started with someone encouraged
folks to write LOTR in the style
of any author but Tolkien.

You're weird
I like you

Angels and ministers of grace defend us.
Be thou a spirit of health, or goblin damned,
Bring with thee airs from heaven, or blasts from hell.
Be thy intents wicked, or charitable,
Thou com'st in such a questionable shape,
That I will speak to thee.

Shakespeare
Hamlet

He would bite his nose to spite his face

The first time I heard that expression
I can remember thinking...
"Adults are so full of shit.
If he could bite his nose
He'd be a friggin elephant."

Then I remember spending a
considerable amount
of time wondering
if that was the point...

Pecan Pie


"Waiter there is too much pepper in my paprikash
but I will be proud to partake of your pecan pie"
When Harry Met Sally.

There is a contender for
what I automatically think
every time I hear the words...pecan pie.
Golden Smaug's "Pecan Pie"
Written by Jeff Tweedy.
The lyrics are below,
I won't link you to the actual song
as I haven't got the savvy right now.

Just a piece of pecan pie-ie-ie....

PECAN PIE

As I walk along and stumble
Trains rumble in my head
As I breeze along and grumble
Think about you instead

And a piece of pecan pie
And you that's all I want
Just a piece of pecan pie
And all I want is you

Sometimes I get so hungry
Think about pie all day
Just a little whipped cream
Honey, I'm on my way

Now, don't you call me key lime
You are the apple of my eye
Don't you know I'll be fine
Whenever you're by my side

With a piece of pecan pie
And you that's all I want
Just a piece of pecan pie
And all I want is you
All I want is you

Life in the Big Stinky City

I spewed the rant below a few months ago
somewhere else

I'm all for the metro, city transit is good.
Environmentally friendly and all that.

There isn't much that can be done about the what I feel at times,
crowded like livestock on platforms and in the subways cars.

I feel like a daft pillock with my head far, far up my ass.
So far in fact that I buy into this city living, this
North American living, this quickly becoming global vibe of Greed.

Interesting social dynamics are displayed in transit.

Ladies cower against underground walls so that
the psycho-pushers can't reach them to be
helplessly thrown onto the third rail.
Men stand guard at the edges,
keeping an eye out for possible psycho-pusher activity.
The hunter/protector gene flexing in atavistic glory.
It happens often enough that we do suspect others....

Folks spit with abandon.
Old, frail, or simply unfocused fellow commuters
will later slip on big nasty lugeys...
or is it Loogy?
...left by the sort of person who doesn't seem to care.

I like to say "sexy," "charming" or even "yum" in a low voice
when passing those who spit.
Yeah, that's hot everybody. Very Nice.

Losers litter .
Garbage cans are placed about 25 feet apart here.
I will pick up other people's casually discarded garbage and say
"that's ok, I'll get that for you."

Why does it bothers me so much?
Disrespect.
We live in such selfish times.

I get nauseated by the melange of fabricated fragrances in transit (or anywhere).
Sometimes I turn green, especially if I haven't had any coffee.
On the bus it isn't so bad,
I can open the window in the face of strong perfume,
I can move,
I can exit.
Stuck sardine-like in the underground is another matter.
Having to smell perfume isn't the end of the world though,
especially if it is masking other unpleasant odours.
It just hurts my head.

Another grand thing about Toronto and it's subway system
is the loads, and reams, and droves of paper
clever folk print all over and give to it's inhabitants to read for FREE.

Yup, FREE.
Sponsored by: who cares, they are FREE.
These are called magazines, newspaper and the like.
Our city streets and subways are a mass of free newspapers.
Looks like a bloodless pigeon slaughter.
A lot of people read these "newspapers" faithfully every morning on their way to work.

It's great!
When folks are finished "reading"
they can drop them wherever they like.

We live in a disposable society.

I don't buy regular newspapers often,
the only reason I do is for a crossword,
maybe a cryptic.

It bothers me that people think that reading a newspaper
really gives them an idea of what is truly happening in the world.
Who is writing for these 'newspapers?'
Who cares?
THEY ARE FREE!
Buy a F*ckin book, man.


I did had a humorous subway experience recently.

The subway car I was riding in was stuck
in a long purgatory between stations last week.

A gentleman standing near me on a subway car
found something in his "newspaper"
which obviously moved him deeply.
With a James Earl Jones deep magnanimous voice
he orated for the benefit of all passengers nearby:
"ZOOKEEPER FIRED FOR CONSUMING ZOO ANIMALS."

He shook his head in wonderment.

A woman beside me sucked her teeth in disgust.
She shook her head in disgust stating:
" DAMN CANNIBAL! "

I wanted to kiss the both of them.

It's not so bad being a sardine, or livestock, or a pillock.
As long as I'm not a Damn Cannibal.

BRRRRR!

I finally made it to
"FUCK IT'S COLD"
today.

I left my house this morning
with my coat undone and a spring
in my step.

I stood in the sun smiling,
as other transitters glared
at my warm disposition.

Then I got out of the underground
and Yonge & King.
Froze my damn ass off.

I did my coat up.

I'll not be out for a skate on
the outdoor rink tonight

VIKING KITTY

No really...
See the OVERLORD link below?

That's my theme song.

Fight the Hordes

I am your
OVERLORD

That pretty much
sums me up
as a person
you know...

Mouthy Python

In the frozen lands of Nador
They were forced to eat Robin's minstrel's....

And there was much rejoicing.

After such time the Freaky Little Spew
Did not have her guaca-molar pulled out

And there was much rejoicing

guacamolar

In three hours
I will know
What's staying around
in my mouth
(for a while at least)
and what is going to
be TORN OUT

Will my new dentist
have to pull my Guaca-molar out??
Will he just glue it together and
say "Wow...you have some pretty teeth,
heres a lolly. Go play Sissyfight."

I hear that my new dentist is a
great guy, yet a firm beliver in
yanking out wisdom teeth

mine should 'probably' be extricated
since I have fillings in my lowers
which have been replaced once already

Gross Billy

The wisdom teeth are also
stubbornly hooked into my jaw

I think I should
be able to keep my
wisdom teeth in my mouth

They're mine dammit!!

I have a strong aversion
to any type of internal removal
you know?

If it's a mole?
Fine, fuck it dude, cut the thing off!
But molars? teeth? organs?
Gross Billy.

I guess if they have to come out
they have to come out.

I bloody well don't like it though.

Mmmm...Mole....Molar

It is very strange to wake up
feeling something weird in your mouth

I went into the loo
I pulled the invasive little
what-the-hell-is-this?
out of my mouth
for examination

It was Molar!

I nearly had a piece of my own molar
for breakfast...

better mine than someone else's
I guess

just a little piece of tooth
kickin' around to
put the fear of a drill into me

I could get really gross -
I'll be nice and sweet and say,
"Ouch. That smarts.
Now I have to go to the dentist."

Just a little piece of molar
falling out is all

Molar...
have you noticed what a strange
word it is?
Say it...
Mol-arrrrr

I feel like the aliens are going to land
and say " Molar. Take us to your Molar."

Maybe that's just residually similar
associative effluvium
from my X-files fandom
"Mulder. Take us to your Mulder."

MO-LARRRRRRRRR!
Rahrrrrrr!

Sounds like something
Ginsberg could have written about.

"Look Buddy!
It's 'Mol-ar' not "Mol-och!
Sheesh."

High Rollin' Po

My cat Harpo ( Po Po)
Has never really given a fig
about cat toys

Just hadn't been impressed

The laser pointer was
short-lived ecstasy.
She figured the human
involvement out and got pissed.

Soak something in cat nip and
she'll wreck havoc.
What proper cat wouldn't?

Give her any kind of geek
random number generation device
and that cat goes to town!

The D20 is her favourite, it seems
My cat is a geek in furry pants

For all non-gamers
Gamers/geeks like me
use dice with different
numbers and different amounts of sides
A four sided die is called a D4, and so on

a sunday spent
with diablo 2
networked...

yummy
yet
lazy....

The point becomes exact in the laughter
laughter becomes the point exactly

Soak and Burn

Paco and I rushed across the street to catch the bus.
We made it!
Rosy cheeked and runny nosed, I boarded the bus
and reached into my pocket for a tissue.
The bus lurched into gear.
My hand went my pocket, no tissue.
My hand went to my other pocket, no tissue.
Hmmmmm. Something was weird.
I checked my purse.

Tissue yes. No book.
My book. Shit!
I lost my book.

I turned to Paco.
"I dropped my book on the way to the bus.
I should get out here and go look for it."
Paco told me to sit down.
"What are you doing keeping a book in your pocket?"
Well, I was evidently not keeping a book in my pocket.

The Librarian's Daughter was close to tears.

Paco was reassuring.
He has a number of friends with the book.
He would find me a copy.
Cool.

I have blogged about my love/hate relationship with the fantasy genre.
Perhaps it was meant to be.
It was the start of Robert Jordan's " Wheel of Time" series.
A series is a huge commitment.
I am pretty choosy about what I read.
You are what you eat, after all!
So many books, so few years!

Paco and I spoke mid day.
He found one friend who thought he had the book
He found another friend who thought he had the book but may have burned it.

What?

As it unfolds...the first two books are fantastic and
all the other books make you want to burn the whole lot up.
Perhaps it is good that I dropped the book.
It probably landed in a big puddle of mush anyway.
I saved my self the trouble of burning the book
by inadvertantly tossing the thing in the snow.
Divine Intervention.

It still bothered me.
The only book I hadn't finished was Malcolm Lowry's "Under the Volcano."
Even so, I went back years later and read the whole damn book anyway.
I am very glad I did. Dreary, yet brilliant.

This morning I waited at the lights near my home.
I scanned the area looking for my book.
It had snowed so much yesterday, there was little chance the book
was anything more than pulp if it hadn't been scooped by someone.

The crossing guard and I did our little morning chat.
The snow, the psycho drivers, the weekend coming, my sleepy head.
Hey...did you see a book here yesterday?
That's Your book? I didn't think you'd read that.
Here, I have it here...look.

Yup. It was my book. Completely Unscathed.
Thank you Miss Crossing Guard.

The TTC was exceptionally slow this morning.
I savoured every snag as extra time with my
trashy fantasy novel.

If the other books in the series piss me off....
well at least I have my own book back for burning.

How about checking out
She Hates My Futon
at My Boot?

Craig Mitchell is pretty damn funny
His writing has certainly made me glad and happy
Go Team Naked!

Below is an exerpt from one of his bits which I was reminded of today thinking about my boyfriend's reaction to Random Cat Barf or RCB.
"Your Cat Puked, You'd Better Clean It Up"
Which I must do...or it becomes the Open All Night Ant Food Warehouse.

Here's the Mitchell Bit:

I laugh. "Random cat barf?"

"Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. You come home from work and take your shoes off and you're ready to relax on the couch in front of the TV… when you notice the small pool of cat barf near the lamp or the hairball sandwich on the floor at your feet. Maybe you step in it by accident. It's totally disgusting, man. I hate cats for that. They're always barfing all over the place. I mean, what's up with that? You know, you have your cute little girlfriend over to your place for the first time and you're getting heavy with her on the couch and all of the sudden, from somewhere in your apartment you hear the opening notes of the Cat Barf Sonata in C Minor. 'ACCCCK! ACK! ARCA! ARKA! ACCCK!'" Tim arcs his head up in the air mimicking a gruesome event I am quite familiar with.

"It ruins the moment, you know what I mean?" he insists, looking back at me again. "You're no longer thinking of taking her bra off, and she's no longer thinking about what a totally sexy guy you are and your tongue on her earlobe. You're both thinking of that pool of cat barf that, with any luck, is right smack dab in the middle of your bed. And then when you finally get into the bedroom, you're totally paranoid that you're going to step in it, or lay down in it, or ski across the room on it when you happen to miss it while you're running for the bathroom. But of course, you can't find it - not anywhere! And then you have the creeping suspicion, you know, you have to learn to live with the horror that the only reason you can't find the evidence is the disgusting little bastard probably ate it!"

Shudder

Once again I've embarassed myself

I mentioned
a few pubescent crushes
in my last post

I also had
mean crushes on
The likes of..
David Bowie
Han Solo
and....
my biggest crushes were on
fantasy fiction characters
from books...
like Aragorn and Faramir

It's still embarassing
but funnnnnyyyyyyy!

Geek geek geeky girl

The Corner

"No one puts baby in a corner"
My favourite line from Dirty Dancing


Jennifer Grey
Nose Job
Crazy

Jennifer Grey will
always be Baby to me

She was lovely and spunky
all along
with her born-nose

My man
had a pubescent
crush
on her
He still has that crush
Verrrry cool

I don't have a crush on most of my
old pretend boyfriends...
Parker Stevenson,
Timothy Hutton,
or Andrew McCarthy anymore

Friggin Fickle Chick
is what I am

I'm not here to follow rules

If you see spelling
mistakes
grammatical errors
repitition
and the like
here

Good

Wow
I'm fallible

This is my blog

The point
of my blog
is spewing
freely, randomly
cheekily...
without worry

I usually post
according to my own
sense
of spatial harmony
or ....
whatever!

I don't use spell check

I'm not interested in
this becoming
a dissertation
or affidavit to be
scrutinized,
or judged

I do what
I do for me

You're
Really
Naked
Underneath
Your
Clothes

The Wheel of Time Keeps Turning

I am reading Robert Jordan's
"The Eye of the World"
It's part of the "Wheel of Time" series

I vowed I wouldn't
read any more fantasy novels
years and years ago
after reading Piers Anthony's
Xanth book "A Spell for Chameleon"

I did an impromptu book
review on it in grade 10

Halfway through a very
nice book report
I stopped and said
"you know, this book sucked.
I really wanted to like it
Piers Anthony is really smart
and all,
but this book just sucked."

Then I went on to say why
I did not enjoy the book.
I had to be honest

My teacher thought that was very cool
he gave me a great mark
I found this surprising
I'd switched opinions entirely
halfway through my report

(I was also too much of a little -
shit-disturber to deserve
good marks to a few of my teachers)

So!

I have read Fantasy sparingly since
Grade ten, yet have had no problem
devouring Science Fiction

I am a book snob
the kind of book snob
a librarian's daughter just is
by her very bookish nature

Nature and Nurture

I am on the bus
and slightly embarassed
of my Fantasy book cover

what a jackass

I should be
ashamed of myself
for being
ashamed of myself

Bongo Fury!

A fantastic album
recorded by
Captain Beefheart
Frank Zappa
click here for info
on that sexything

one of my
favourite albums
BONGO FURY
Odd album
with Weirdness

Muffinman
will always be in my heart

Girl
You thought
he was a man
but he was
A Muffin

Raging guitar
Crazy

And!
a song named
Cucamonga!

Achoo to your Phew

To all you
perfume/cologne
wearing folks

if you are worried
that you
smell
stinky
like BO

try
bathing

not in some
manufactured
chemical
spray on
bath

but good old
water...with soap

Sure!
wear perfume/cologne
Fine

Please just
think
about
the poor plebs

who
have
to
breathe
beside
you

If I can smell
from two seats
away
at the cimema

chances are
you're wearing
a litte
too much

you're probably
the same
people who leave
pee all over
toilet seats!

Rahr!!!!!

I'm mean

Paco is not really
torpidly faineant

Not anymore
anyway

He's not really that lazy

More of a slob really than anything.....

There I go again.

Sorry Paco

I can't seem to stop teasing you

I'm mean and rotten!

Underneath Your Clothes

I like No Doubt enough

I can't seem to get
this song out of my head
after I've heard it

I can't stop singing
the wrong words
which I think are just fine
regardless

"You're really naked...
underneath your clothes"

Simply Blue

I have cold, cold hands today

this is odd as I am
one of the most "always warm" folks
that I know

Cold hands
Warm Heart
as my Mum says

No time to be
a hypochondraic though!
Dammit!
I SO wanted to
spend the day
researching my thyroid

Eeenglish Pigdog!

Your mother was a hamster
and your father
smelled of elderberries!

Stinky Minty Good

anyone who doesn't
rinse their toothpaste spit off
the sink must be lazy

or perhaps they
just want to loo
to smell minty
fresh all day

The first day back to work
after two weeks off really did suck
Yes, true

Post Script


Apologies to Paco
who did indeed shovel snow

just not on the day I blogged about
which was yesterday

in which Paco may
have appeared to be a LAZY man

Anyone who knows Paco
knows this is not
really true

He's of of the most
torpidly faineant men
we know

GeekStuff

What's that?
It's a pint
It comes in Pints?
I'm getting one.

Josephine

She's my landlady's Mom
She lives next door
She barely speaks English
She's so active, it shames me
She is 84, 5 feet tall, and
has about eight teeth left
She's cute

I shovelled all of the snow
In her yard and my yard

I love to shovel snow!
I'm a slut for it, really

Yesterday her daughter, my Landlady Ann
(who has been very sick) calls
"My Mom wants you to go to the back door"

I go to her back door

I say: Happy New Year!
Josephine says something to me in Italian. She is cute.
Ann translates: She wants to know who shovelled
Freakgirl: A big man in a big cape with furious
whiskers and a curly horned hat?

Ann tranlates to Josephine: They laugh.
Ann Translates: She says you make her laugh,
now take the money she's offering you for shovelling

Freakgirl: Um...How 'Bout No?
I smile, I shrug
I say:
I am a slob.
I need the exercise.
I should pay you!!

Ann translates: Mom wants you to take the money
Freakgirl: But I'm not 14...really.
I love to Shovel Snow!!! Love it. Love it...
Hey! You guys look after my cat when I'm away...
If I paid a CatSitter, it would be Really Expensive.
I think that I Owe You Guys Money, Really

Ann translates to her Mom
Her Mom shakes her head, makes a clicking sound,
then says something authoritatively
Ann translates: She says your cat weighs a lot less than the snow

I laughed. Pretty sharp old broad.
I was still mortified.
How do you make an 84 year old lady
see reason? well...you don't really, do you?
It's all about being polite and respectful and gentle.

Freakgirl: Tell your Mom she's a cracker!
Ann laughs. Cracker! I like that.
She translates;
Her Mom laughs. Then she shakes her fingers at me
looking very stern, disappointed in me.
She puts the money in my pocket.

No, no, no You take. Funny Girl. Nice Girl. Good Girl. You take.

Well fuckity fuck, that was far too sweet.

Freakgirl: Ann...I really don't want this money.
You guys are so good to us.
Just let me shovel the snow!

Ann: This is her way of thanking you.
She's getting upset now. Just take the money.
Freakgirl: I think she may kick my ass.
Ann: We may both kick your ass
Freakgirl: All righty then.

Ann: Buy a few bottles of wine for you and Paco
Freakgirl: Paco? Pfffft!!
Like he did anything.
I'm getting my own wine!

They thought that was pretty funny

I walked into my home shaking my head with
a red face and nearly a tear in my eye.

An 84 year old lady nearly had to kick my ass
and make me cry

Years

I have had a buddy visiting
whom I have not seen for seven years
Alack
some things never change
good company is always easy

Accomplishment

Viewed
The Two Towers
Three Times
Over the Holidays

That should bloody well do for awhile

Writer Blocked

I haven't posted much over the holidays
There has been a lot going on
and not a lot of privacy
this is funny
it's not like my blog is some kind of Secret Tell All

I like to be alone when I write